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Twelve Ways to Avoid Answering the Friends and Family Test

March 4, 2013

(With apologies to Adrian Mitchell)

1. Passive-Aggressive

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

That’s between me and them, pal. Understand?

2. Isolationist/Poetical

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Ah me! Friends and family have I none.

3. Defeatist

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

What’s the point? They never listen to anything I tell them.

4. Entrepreneurial

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Do I get commission?

5. Socialist

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

It’s not your hospital. The NHS belongs to everyone.

6. Incredulous

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Are you out of your mind? It’s full of germs and people die every day!

7. Nihilist

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

I could, but I wouldn’t mean it.

8. Post-Modern

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Which hospital?

9. Irrelevant

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Is this about my gas bill?

10. Languid

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Darling, the only things I recommend are cocktails and toy boys.

11. Creepy

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

When next I’ve tortured one of them half to death in my little dungeon – I might.

12. Preoccupied

Would you recommend our hospital to friends and family?

Sorry love, I can’t talk to you now. I’ve just come out of hospital.

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